What Am I Dreaming?
What am I dreaming? This question keeps emerging from the oddest sources. Isn’t that just like God? He challenges our hearts and then sends amusing little reminders like a treasure hunt to keep us thinking about the challenge He has set before us.
You see it wouldn’t be ME if I didn’t over-analyze everything. I know…I am trying to break that nasty habit, but the truth is it is “what I do! “ Analyzing isn’t all bad. It helps you focus or re-focus. The breakdown comes when it takes your attention off God and on your own ideas and abilities. Ouch!
Lately I have been thinking about life. I know, profound…stay with me. My whole life I have known what God wanted me to do. I had a “calling.” God wanted me. Life had purpose. It is easy to “carry your cross” when it is “God’s will” for your life. There is safety in “God’s will.” Now before you get all “churchy” on me…I know all the correct “church” answers too. There is nothing wrong with being “called” by God. I believe in that with all my heart. There is nothing wrong with the safety of living in “God’s will.” I believe in that too. But here is where God is messing up all that I believe…what happens when God says…”This is no longer the cross I have for you.” A friend of mine said this on his blog and I was like, “THAT’S ME!! Finally…someone understands.” Yeah…guess where he went with it…What are you dreaming? THAT is NOT what I wanted to hear at all!
When is the last time I even thought about MY dreams?? I was living “God’s will.” MY dreams didn’t matter. Die to self…isn’t that the “church term” that applies here?
You see…it is possible to become self righteous about “God’s will” too. After all, the Creator of the Universe chose ME to fulfill His divine purpose here on earth. Really?? Before you judge, consider it a moment. You may not have said those words. Few of us would admit to such pompous attitude, but when I cut to the core…it is ugly and very self absorbed. Lord, forgive me.
God doesn’t NEED me at all! He loves me. It is that simple. He loves me and wants to spend time with me. I am so unworthy. God uses me to fulfill His divine purpose in ME! Sure, I am allowed the privilege of being useful in touching other people’s lives, but the main change that is taking place is in ME!
God gave me dreams and creativity and I have NOT used those gifts to their fullest potential because I was so set on what I thought was more important. God is creative. Just look at His creation! How many different insects can you name? INSECTS!!! He CREATED a vast universe full of intriguing details that we are still discovering. Why would I assume that my creativity is not a “God thing?” It is the reflection of the Creator! My heart is so broken that I have wasted my PASSION by chasing shadows.
I feel like God is asking me to dream again. He wants ME to DREAM!! He wants me to find ME!!
So…what am I dreaming??
Lord, forgive me for making you less by my own defining box. Help me to dream big and chase after the passion You have placed in my heart. Help me understand the journey we are walking TOGETHER and trust You when it looks like nothing I have seen before. Thank you for reigniting the fire that will soon blaze in fullness. Give me strength to hold fast when this thing in my heart explodes. Help me decrease so You may increase. It is only in You that I am complete. Help me define the dream.
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