Living the Journey…

Being still is NOT something I know how to do.  I am trying to BE STILL and WAIT on God.  But how does one DO that??  I am not wired to wait.  I know patience is a virtue, but it just happens to be something I do not possess.   I would rather do many other unpleasant things than to have to WAIT or BE STILL!!  It is like asking a child to sit still when everything in them wants to move and wiggle.  THIS is NOT something I can do!

As I whine about being still I am also learning many things.  It is like torture plus education.  No, I am not talking about school here although most of my high school days could be described much the same way.  I am learning many things about myself.  I took a vow of silence on such topics.  I do not enjoy sharing the chaos that is my current state of being.  No one likes to share things that make them look bad.  Right?  I mean many of you may THINK that I am insane, but to share my thoughts and remove all doubt…nope!  Then again…when God burns things so intensely on my heart it has to be poured out even at the risk of sounding like a complete lunatic…so my vow of silence means nothing next to God burning His will on my heart. 

So…you have been warned.  My words are more like a tsunami than poetic prose, but sometimes God speaks loudest in the middle of the storm.

I have NO idea what God is doing, but the song by Sanctus Real pretty much describes the journey for me right now.  “Whatever You’re doing inside of me, it feels like chaos but somehow there’s peace…”  If you have not heard that song, you need to check it out.  

Right now my heart is so full of jumbled up emotions and my mind is trying to sort it all, but in the middle of the mess…God!  Over-whelming, indescribable, undeniable peace.  I have no idea how the two exist simultaneously without explosion, but there is the place I find myself everyday….

So what is it that God is saying?  Good question…I wish the answer actually sounded like an answer, but I have learned that God thinks differently than I do.  I KNOW…WOW.  Right?  The more I pray, the more I whine, the more I resist…the more God questions ME  about my expectations.  What do I want?  I don’t want to answer that, God!  What are my expectations?  WOW!!  How do you tell the all-knowing God that you are disappointed, confused, lost…?  Well, just like that.  He already knows.  He is just waiting for me to admit it.  Ouch!

Confused??  Me too!   All I know is that it is okay to feel however you feel and to tell God… even when it looks like failure and sounds like defeat.  God knows!  And here is the part that is hard for me to grasp…He cares!