Living the Journey…

This entire journey has thrown me out of my comfort zone.  All my plans have been set aside.  Living life on plan B.  And many days the word “living” was very loosely defined.  I became frustrated and confused.  I questioned God and cried out for answers only to hear a deafening silence that tormented my soul.  But somehow in the midst of the daily chaos I knew… I knew that this was bigger than me.

I watched as my children made my bed on days when my arms were not strong enough.  Many days I sat helplessly as they made their own lunch and switched the laundry yet again because I could not stand.  I felt sorry for myself and played the martyr, but only for a moment.  I am not good at that game.  God gently, but loudly reminded me that teaching my children to have servant hearts and giving them life skills were greater lessons than my plans for the day.

As I began to regain strength and watched their sincere gratitude when I snuck in their rooms and made their beds to show them that I appreciate all that they do, I was once again reminded that they view this situation far differently than I do.  They do not regret that they are not growing up in a home that looks like a magazine page.   As I sat and thought about all that I was viewing as an inconvenience…I began to see the gift in the midst of the chaos.

When my kids leave my home to go on their own adventures, they will not remember all the details.  They will not care about all the dust that did not get removed on time or the less than gourmet meals that we ate.  They will not retain all the lesson plans that I carefully put together and all the check marks that prove that I am worthy to be their teacher.  None of that will matter.  What they will remember is that we spent hours reading together on days when I couldn’t get out of bed.  We got lost in the stories and Emily had to hide her head under the pillow on several occasions because the characters became so real and she just knew they were about to get in trouble.  They will remember that anything eaten in a bowl shaped like an ice cream cone is way more fun.  They will remember that sometimes life doesn’t go the way we plan, but as long as we do life together it will all be okay. 

I have learned that sometimes it is okay to throw out the plans and go with the day.  Creativity is best when it flows freely.  I will never regret the stains on my kitchen table.  They remind me of my daughter’s pursuits of artistic creativity and my son’s constant mixing of colors in beakers.  I will never regret throwing out the math book and playing cards until the “aha” moment when math was no longer a mystery.  I will never regret teaching my kids that sometimes life doesn’t make sense.  Just because God chooses not to heal doesn’t mean that He doesn’t have a greater plan.  I will never regret spending this year recapturing the hearts of my family and finding myself where I have been all along…

For these inconveniences I am eternally grateful…